Bittersweet Goodbyes

Hello.... probably booking out soon right? haha....

wanted to tell you about today, which is the final day of official lessons which my students will come to school.....

actually I really cannot stand my form class..... I really am angry at them and hate them for creating so much trouble for me....

they are a bunch of MC-takers who create lots of trouble for me and think they can just do whatever they want just because their parents are protective of them.....

But today, a few gave me cards.... a few gave me sweets and cake... almost all did a pretty post-it for me......

In it, they thank me for my hard work, acknowledged my efforts to make them understand, my intimidation, my scoldings and said that it has spurred them to work harder... They asked me not to worry, cause they will continue to work hard.... They apologise for creating trouble, for being difficult to handle, for all the sin they accumulated last two years......

Humans are almost always short-term memory animals.... All the hatred and anger I held in my heart until yesterday subsided almost instantly.... And suddenly, the happy farewell where I finally dump the shit-load on their own and fly away became the bittersweet farewell.....

And then I look at them again.... I look at the other two classes that I teach..... I look at all my students..... after A levels, they are going out there to live their lives..... while I will be here still living my life..... At this thought.... I felt so................. humdrum....... I dont know how to explain humdrum..... its like a numb, cool, fresh cold morning smelling, blue feeling.......

I dislike my principal.

She is a lonely 40 plus year-old lady who is naggy, demanding and asks for school programmes who to me sometimes is extra and not really necessary........

But then yesterday she announced that she is re-posted to another JC.....

suddenly i felt a sense of loss.... a moment where I sort of wished she would still be here...... Day and night I wish she would leave.... but when you finally get what you wished for.... You become not so happy..... It wasnt the party you imagined it to be.....

Maybe its resistance to change.... because after all... I don't do very well in change.....

Maybe its the fear of the unknown and the fear that things could get somewhat worse than it already is at my college......

But then.... it is decidedly not.... Its just that I guess I am so used to having my principal around to nag, so used to using her as a target for jokes about ineffective policies.... that when she is gone, I am sad....

all that resentment towards her subsided today when she announced it to my students.... when my vice principal hugged her, when she apparently teared......

The day I so look forward to become an instant bittersweet farewell..... I think I am going to miss her nagging for awhile.....

Life is so funny..... people you spent so much time hating and being angry towards.... when they finally disappear from your life.... you feel so lost and so empty.... as if you just lost a pillar of support....

take care my friend.....

till we meet again.....

I miss you....

like alot....

haha